The Habit of Us
Clouds in the sky
I was sitting here wondering what to write when these words came to me “the habit of us.” It’s so very easy to do the things we’ve always done. I constantly catch myself in the familiar - feeling a familiar way, doing something familiar, reacting in a familiar way. The habit of me, when it’s so automatic, sometimes visceral, it feels like it just happens, that I have no choice.
This week I have an exam, I haven’t sat an exam in a while. On Friday at 10am BST I’ll be sitting in the exam room, ready for the 3 hours ahead of me.
I want something different. I want to choose something different. I don’t want everything that even the word “exam” usually conjures up in me. I don’t want a week of stress and anxiety, I don’t want to feel all of that in my body. I don’t want to spend all my time revising at the expense of my children and my husband. I don’t want panic, or worry.
If I take this further, what if I could enjoy this week? What if I could enjoy the exam itself? Have fun even? This is an option, you see we do have choice. Even when we think the things around us are just happening, even when we feel like we have no say, we do.
This would be something different, to enjoy this week and to have fun. This would move out of the habit of me, the habit of what I’ve always known about exams.
The habit of us, isn’t just the habit of us. It’s the habit of society, it’s everything we’ve learned about how we should be, how the world is. Where did the fear of exams come from? Why is it that most of us are fearful of exams? And is it that we’re fearful of the exam itself, or is it something deeper? The fear of failure? The in-built fear of living up to the expectations outside of ourselves? The fear of not being good enough in a society that says we need to be a certain way or be at a certain level to belong, to be loved and to be accepted? What if everyone knew exams as being fun and playful?
I watched this video where Mia Birdsong speaks about narratives. She uses the example of “natural disaster” when in fact what’s really at the heart is climate change. This is so core. We don’t challenge the narratives, the habits - at an individual level or a societal level. Often we’re not even aware of them.
There’s something beyond the automatic, there’s something beyond it just happening. We can move into a deep place of curiosity and see what’s here. We can begin to challenge the habits of us and the habits of society.
Not just for self, but the wider good, because we have to start breaking down these barriers. We have to start coming together, no longer pitting each other against each other or worrying about what others are doing around us. Something has to change. I believe.
Whilst my exam is something so small in the landscape of what’s happening in the world right now, and this in itself is something to acknowledge, because I could make my exam everything right now. I’m choosing not to, I’m choosing something different this week. I’m choosing to step out of the habit of me, which would make it all about me, which would take me into anxiety and stress. I will lean into what’s going on in the world, I will feel all of that. And I will lean into pleasure as I walk this week of revision. I will set the intention to enjoy my exam and see what happens.
When I choose this different way of being, everything changes. My whole body is lighter, even in just writing these words to you. And I know that will in turn impact my family. When I’m in a place of anxiety and stress, my children are too. That’s how powerful we are, that’s how impactful our energy is.
We get to choose, we get to step beyond habit into something different as an individual and as part of the cohesive nature of being human.
