Inviting in paradox
On Friday I went to see my therapist for bodywork, as she greeted me she took hold of my hand with both her hands and cupped them tightly, welcoming me into her beautiful space. Her and her space is deeply nourishing, deeply nurturing and everything that I need.
But what happened in my body was so interesting to observe. Everything in me wanted to pull away, wanted to pull my hand away. I physically leant back a little. My body went tight, and I had to take a moment to observe what was going on. I shared with her everything that I felt and saw something in a way that I hadn’t see before, for me.
This is the paradox.
Every single one of us wants to be loved, yet we push it away.
Every single one of us wants to feel like we belong, and yet we isolate.
Every single one of us wants to be held when we’re feeling, sad, lonely, afraid, and yet we take ourselves away from those we love.
Every single one of us wants to share what’s really going on for us, and yet we don’t speak it.
Every single one of us has needs, and yet we daren’t allow them (sometimes we push our needs so far away we aren’t even aware of them).
Every single one of us wants to be who we truly are, yet we hide so many parts of ourselves away.
We want to hold hands, we want to feel loved, we want to be held when we cry, and yet the deep rooted protection within us prevents this very thing from happening. Often it’s visceral, and unconscious.
Leaning in, opening ourselves up, even to our own exploration, is vulnerable. It’s vulnerable to open ourselves to love. It’s vulnerable to let others see you cry, or get angry, or even a little messy. It’s vulnerable to ask for what you need. For some of us it’s vulnerable to really speak what’s going on inside or voice what we really want to voice.
Because we’ve learnt that it’s safer not to.
And this is the other paradox. The very mechanism that’s keeping us safe, is also keeping us from all those things we long for. The love, the joy, the awe and beauty in life.
Can we allow ourselves to be with the paradox? Can I know in my heart that I long for deep love and intimacy, and yet at times I still pull away. We’re allowed to be a work in progress, with compassion for our own divine humanness.
