Sitting with grief

Mother’s Day took me by surprise last Sunday. Not the day, but the depth of grief I felt. I was enjoying the beautiful spring days that had come along, I was feeling grounded in myself, and felt alive in who I am.

I didn’t expect the grief to take my breath away in the way it did. Another reminder that grief is like the ocean. A beautiful crystal clear ocean and then suddenly a wave that churns everything up inside, a swirling of all that lives within.

There was a little voice in me that said “but it’s been 15 years” and although the voice didn’t say, you should be over it by now, that was the intimation.

Grief doesn’t work like that. It lives and breathes within us. It’s alive and the more I let it breathe, the more I’m able to sit with it, in generosity of all that it’s teaching me, rather than pushing it away.

We loved and so we grieve.

There's nothing to be ashamed of or hide away.

There were immense teachings in this wave of grief. I realised that I never really allow people to see me in my grief, to really see me. I may let them see my tears. I may talk about grief.

But the deep wail of grief, I keep that tucked inside, it’s too messy and too raw to be seen. It is the most vulnerable, broken part of me.

I’m am deeply grateful for the people I love around me. I was held by my friends and family in different ways.

One friend I reached out to and asked to be held (it wasn't that eloquent, I was hurting and knew I needed support). I allowed myself to be held. Just a little. I sobbed. She asked me about my Mum and I was able to tell her about the beautiful woman she was. I didn’t let myself go all the way, this is what I saw in myself, I didn’t allow myself to get truly messy. But I did allow myself to let go a bit. And it was a relief to be held in this way.

She also said to me that it was an honour to hold me. It really is such a gift to those around us, when we allow ourselves to be really held and seen in this way.

We feel that we have to do this on our own, we fear sharing our vulnerability and our hearts out of protection. So that perhaps we won’t get hurt again, but the hurt is already there, inside us, willing us to see it, to feel it, to nurture it.

This is the month that my grief is most potent. A mixture of days and anniversaries which bring it to the fore.

On 30th April I’m holding a Sacred Grief Circle at the beautiful SouLand yoga. I’ve wanted to do this for a really long time, it’s been calling me and after speaking with Zoe who founded SouLand Yoga I knew I’d found the right place for our grief. I’d love you to come and join me. All grief is welcome. This will be your space to be as you are.

Sending love this Sunday.